Perpetual Existence
by TricksAndTreats 3 Contest
Summary: Edward discovers every decision has consequences. But is he defined by the choices he makes? Standard Disclaimer: The author does not own any publicly recognizable entities herein. No copyright infringement is intended


**Title of Story: Perpetual Existence**

 **Rating: M**

 **Pairing: E/B**

 **Genre: Drama/Horror**

 **Word Count:** **11,988**

 **Story Summary:** **Edward discovers every decision has consequences. But is he defined by the choices he makes?**

 **Standard Disclaimer: The author does not own any publicly recognizable entities herein. No copyright infringement is intended.**

 _ **October – Senior Year**_

The cool, fall day starts as any other. Having an endless life makes every day bleed into the next. It is simply another day in purgatory, aka high school; they're one in the same to me. I shift through the thoughts of my family, wincing when I catch a glimpse of Emmett's naked backside.

Again.

For the millionth time.

I avoid the mirror in my room as I leave, knowing I'll find nothing but flat, black eyes. There's no need to check if my hair looks good or if the colors of my clothes go well together.

I know they do.

My mother, Esme, whistles as I descend the staircase. Her tune matches perfectly to the fifties music playing in the background. The arrangement she's working on will add autumn touches throughout the house. Small pumpkins and gourds ripe with bright colors are the clear focal point.

Alice chats with Esme about the local police chief's daughter's postponed move to Forks coming to an end. The seemingly sweet girl they met briefly early spring, had to return to Arizona for her mother and stepfather due to an accident.

I try to tune out their inconsequential discussion, realizing too late that in doing so, my mind focuses on Emmett and Rosalie.

They've yet to put their amorous thoughts to rest.

Jasper groans nearby. "They do this on purpose, I swear." He has reason to complain; their mood will affect him, and the only way to deal with the excess is to channel it outward.

The last time my siblings caused Jasper to expel their mood it was to the unsuspecting students and faculty at school; resulting in Jessica Stanley's pregnancy, and is why Mr. Banner and Shelly Cope never make eye contact anymore.

No one but me knows who the father of Jessica's baby is—though, Mike has an inkling it's him. Jessica, however, hasn't allowed it to slow her down, and she's still top of her class.

I digress. The last thing we need is another incident of "spring fever" in the middle of fall at Forks High.

Emmett says a muffled, "Fuck you, _Jazz_ ," from his room _._

I roll my eyes and head to the garage, since I rather not catch a blast of that mood from Jasper.

Alice giggles as I pass her and Esme, winking at me. "I'll take care of Jazz before we leave."

I give her a look she pointedly grins at. _"I did not need to know that, Alice."_ I see myself answer in her vision. I walk out before I hear and see more of their encounter. They try for my benefit to rein it in, knowing I long for companionship. Sometimes, they utterly fail.

Carlisle has yet to leave for work at the hospital. He claps me on the shoulder, having heard the conversation from inside. He transfers bags of more pumpkins and sprays of fall leaves for Esme into his other hand.

" _The fall usually makes…"_

I cock an eyebrow, shaking my head. "We're all well aware that no matter the season, Emmett and Rosalie are unable to curb their appetites for each other."

He tries not to laugh as he heads inside, accompanying Esme's whistling tune when he joins her.

I slip into my new Volvo; the SUV is much roomier than my old car, though it is only Alice and me attending school this year. Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper are heading into the city with it today because their vehicles are much too ostentatious for their outing.

A heavy beat from the stereo starts along with the engine, each purring as I pull out of the garage. I turn up the volume as I sense the mood shifting inside the house. Maybe it's best for me to leave now; they can always pick up the Volvo at school. Instead, I focus on the music, closing my eyes and trying to find notes for a new composition, but finding none.

Inspiration dead.

Within two songs, my siblings join me, each looking like their perfect selves; gold eyes, porcelain skin, and satisfied smiles.

I'm not bitter.

.

.

.

Alice groans in the passenger seat beside me, rubbing her temples.

"What do you keep seeing?" Jasper's concern is clear in his soft tone.

My sister turns to her husband in the backseat, offering him a smile. To me she directs her thoughts, _"Can you explain please?"_ I try to make sense of what I've seen in her visions. "My future seems to be uncertain, there seems to be many possibilities." My stone brow furrows as Alice's thoughts speed up, catching only flickers of many visions.

 _Me, in my car, racing out of town._

 _Me, standing at the scene of a car accident, blue and red flashing lights in the background._

 _Me, climbing an unfamiliar tree._

 _Me, on my knees, anguished sobs falling from my lips._

"Was there anything leading to those visions?" Jasper wants answers and for Alice to stop hurting.

I slow down for a millisecond, wondering if choosing _not_ to go to school will lead to the strange series of visions. Though, they seem not to be on the same day, as I'm wearing something different in some of them.

Alice shakes her head, wincing and holding her face in her hands. "The more I try to see, the worse my head hurts."

"Then stop." Jasper sends a soothing wave of calm to her, instantly relaxing her shoulders and posture. His attention turns to me."Maybe you shouldn't go to school."

"I'll drive," Emmett volunteers, rubbing his hands together. He's been trying to drive my new car ever since Rosalie made a few enhancements to the engine.

"No." I floor the gas, looking at the road ahead and quickly maneuvering past a truck old enough to belong in a museum. The driver honking the horn hard. Strange, I don't hear her thoughts, which is why I barely miss hitting her beater.

The others laugh, Alice and Emmett turning to see the driver flip me off.

"I was nowhere near her."

Emmett snorts. "Great first impression with the new girl, Bro."

I'm not interested in impressing anyone, even the supposedly selfless daughter of our esteemed police chief.

.

.

.

"I have Bella for fifth period, it appears." Alice seems keen on forming a friendship with the girl ever since they met over the summer. "I'm going to say hi." She waves at the others and skips toward the office.

Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie are unsure about my attending class, considering Alice's strange visions. They don't bother to tell me, but I know they're planning to stay close instead of heading to Seattle.

"I'll be fine." I roll my eyes for the second time today. "Go to Seattle."

Jasper shrugs, but makes no promises. The others simply take my car keys, stating they'll be back in time to pick us up after school.

I head to my first period class of Calculus, finding it as tedious as usual. The only difference in the whispered discussions among my classmates is the topic.

The new girl.

I've seen her in the thoughts of many people since spring when she came and left within a day due to her mother and stepfather's accident. Over the course of my math class, I watch her explain to dozens of fellow students how they're much better and she's glad to be here.

She seems different than most of the girls in our school. Mostly keeping to herself, staying away from gossip, and a book is always present in her hand. Dressed in scuffed boots, slim jeans, and an oversized hoodie, she clearly likes to be comfortable.

The constant chatter throughout the school is easy enough to tune out, already finding the hormonal fantasies of the male student body starring her annoying and unimaginative.

Jessica Stanley, slightly round with child, clears her throat, turning to look at me.

 _Damn assigned seating._

"So, have you met Isabella Swan?"

"Bella." It's an automatic response, considering how many times the girl in question has corrected everyone she's met today. "And no." I don't look at her as I answer; my tone ending the conversation before it starts.

Jessica's small smile falters, looking ridiculous as she pouts.

.

.

.

"Edward?" Alice appears the second I step toward my Physics class. Another flurry of visions sweeps through her mind at alarming speeds. No wonder she has a headache. Each one as disjointed as the one prior to it, not even our vampire brains can interpret them. "Maybe—"

"I'll be fine. There's nothing in the vicinity that is dangerous to me or any of you." I smirk, laughing a little. If there is, it will make the day much more interesting. "Maybe Physics will be so boring that I fantasize during the in-class movie."

"I guess it _could_ explain the visions." She doesn't seem to believe it, but shrugs anyway. "Can you keep it to a minimum? It still hurts."

I wince in sympathy; vampires rarely feel pain. For her to feel some because of my boredom does not sit well with me. "Yes," I whisper, intending to keep my promise.

.

.

.

I step into the classroom as Mr. Banner reaches it and rolls in the ancient VCR cart. I make a note to myself to discuss with Esme the idea of another school donation. It is in desperate need of updating most of the equipment.

As I walk to my table in the back, I hear Mike and Eric bicker about who saw someone first, meaning he'll be able to ask her out first.

The urge to roll my eyes again is hard to ignore. The poor girl has only been in school for little over an hour and already they're betting on whom she'll go out with first. Taking my seat at the farthest table from the door, I turn toward the wall of windows. A light rain dots the glass, glistening with thousands of small rainbows I catch due to my enhanced vision. Much more interesting than petty squabbles.

Mike and Eric's vile conversation comes to an abrupt end as they both look up. Their eyes on the girl at the door. Everyone in the class stills as she softly asks if she has the right one.

Mr. Banner, jovial at the thought of another fresh mind, welcomes her with a loud clap that startles her. She giggles as he apologizes, blushing further due to her reaction.

Unfortunately, for her, the seat next to mine is the only one available. Humans have a natural instinct to give vampires like my family and me a wide berth. I ignore them all, watching the colorful rain and automatically moving my books from her side of our table.

Then she steps past the threshold, directly into the heating vent's path. The hot air amplifies the exquisite bouquet of her blood.

It hits me so hard I simply stop thinking and act on instinct.

The instinct to kill.

The instinct to feed.

The instinct to bite.

The instinct to quench my fiery throat.

I'm on my feet in less time than a blink of an eye. My hands are on her arms in the next moment, before she even takes another step. The fire intensifies as my mouth lowers to her neck. I don't fathom why, only that her skin gives way at the lightest touch of my razor-sharp teeth.

The first pull of her blood makes my eyes roll back, closing as her taste bursts on my tongue. Nothing in all my years on this godforsaken planet has ever tasted so sweet, so decadent that savoring every drop is vital to my existence.

Warmth emanates from her soft body, yielding against the hard planes of my own. At some point, my arms enclose her in the steel cage of my entire body. Her knees buckle as Mr. Banner's thoughts register what's happening.

He wants to stop me.

As if I will allow him.

Another pull of Bella's blood fills my mouth as my hand shoots up from her hip, smashing Banner's head against the steel door of the classroom. His ears and nose explode with blood, but it pales in comparison to the ambrosia coating my tongue.

If I'd known of its existence, I would've sought it until the ends of the earth.

Killed anyone or anything who tried to keep it from me.

The others start to panic, taking me away from the moment. I growl as I settle the girl on the floor, pouncing on Mike and Eric's table, smashing their heads together, their eyes popping out as they die. Angela Weber and Meagan Reed die next but quicker, each with a snap of their necks. I lose twenty seconds to kill every student, each one keeping me from savoring the girl's blood. Angering me for allowing her blood to cool.

I reach for her, her warm brown eyes meeting my red ones. For a moment, as her heart struggles to pump blood throughout her body, I feel remorse. It's gone as soon as my tongue finds a drop of her blood along the back of my teeth. I tuck her against me, her body much cooler and too weak to fight me.

I feast until her heart goes out and the monster within me has consumed every drop of her.

.

My mother, Esme, whistles as I descend the staircase. Her tune matches perfectly to the fifties music playing in the background. The arrangement she's working on will add autumn touches throughout the house. Tiny pumpkins and gourds ripe with bright color are the clear focal point.

Alice chats with Esme about the local police chief's daughter's postponed move to Forks coming to an end. The seemingly sweet girl they met briefly early spring, but who had to return to Arizona for her mother and stepfather due to an accident.

My steps falter as I enter the foyer, clarity escaping me for a brief second.

Alice notices, but says nothing, going back to her discussion with Esme.

Jasper groans nearby. "They do this on purpose, I swear."

Knowing what he's going to say is nothing new since I can hear his thoughts. This time, I know milliseconds before he thinks of his response to Emmett and Rosalie's mood upstairs. Confusion causes my brow to furrow as I head to the garage, ignoring the rest of the conversation between my siblings.

I hold up a hand to Alice before she can wink and say she'll take care of Jasper's problem.

 _What is going on?_ I ask myself a dozen times in the space of a second.

In my endless existence, there have been times where it feels like déjà vu on a daily basis. Days so similar to the one prior to it, it feels as though I already experienced the day. Is what I'm experiencing the same thing? I do not remember getting dressed; my first memory of the day is descending the stairs.

Has life become so tedious that I'm daydreaming impossible nightmares?

Carlisle is in the garage, carrying more pumpkins and fall foliage for Esme. He looks concerned, and I realize I've frozen for several seconds.

"Nothing." I can't tell him what's going on yet. If it's simply my imagination, I can't imagine the ridicule and relentless teasing at the hands of my siblings. I slip into my car and pull out of the garage, instantly quieting my stereo.

I swallow deeply as the dull ache in my throat intensifies. My memory—or fantasy—is quick to remind me how good the new girl tastes. Infuriatingly for the monster residing within me, my strange behavior kills the mood of my family, and my siblings join me before I can drive away.

My mood darkens as I ignore the silent bombardment of questions from the others as we race toward the school. Alice is unusually quiet as she rubs her temples. The images in her visions so fast, everything is a blur.

I remember what is supposed to happen next: I floor the car and hit the girl in the ancient truck I barely missed the first time around, my siblings screaming as I race out of my car. Our vehicles are heaps of twisted metal, scarcely coming to a stop as I reach for the unsuspecting girl.

She holds a hand to her bleeding head, a moan on her soft, pink lips.

I snarl as Jasper fights Alice and Emmett's hold.

"Get her out of here, Edward." Rosalie pushes Jasper toward the tree line, having no clue I'm already a step ahead of her and for a far more nefarious reason.

Then, suddenly, Alice screams, a look of horror on her face as her visions settle on one. "Stop him!"

I run, holding the unconscious girl with her wicked blood dripping down my arms.

I do not share.

Her blood is mine.

I will kill anyone in my way.

I throw Emmett off my back, sending him through multiple trees. I toss the arm I severed with my counter-attack behind me. Even with my precious cargo, I am faster. As Alice's vision stipulates, they will not stop me in time. Rosalie comes to a stop, realizing the girl's death is the only way to cover up anything she may have seen, and she goes to help reattach Emmett's shoulder.

Jasper is driven by bloodlust, making mine that much more potent.

I groan, desperate to taste it, to have it coat my tongue as her soft body undulates against me.

Alice is no match for Jasper and me as we come to a clearing and growl at each other.

I settle the girl onto the forest floor, crouched over her prone body. My eyes focus on Jasper, snarling at him. "Mine."

Alice tries to go around me, to reach for the girl. I snap at her, swiping her away with a brutal blow to her chest, sending her flying into the air hundreds of feet away.

Her scream drives Jasper into another instinct: to protect his mate. He runs toward Alice's soft sobs as I gather my cargo and escape into the wilderness.

Within minutes, I reach the base of Mount Rainer and gather the girl close. Her eyes open under a flutter of lashes, her soft moan eliciting something akin to concern.

"You hit me," she accuses, her hand reaching for the drying blood on her forehead.

I waste no time with pleasantries; it's cruel to do so. What am I supposed to say? _"Hello, my name is Edward Cullen. I didn't have a chance to introduce myself before I suck your blood and I kill you."_

Her head lolls toward my shoulder, another groan on her lips. She exposes her luscious neck, the vein thick and pulsing with blood. It's an invitation, I reason, prior to taking what she unwittingly offers and sink my teeth into her supple skin.

Lost between lucidity and pain, she grumbles a complaint and punches my head feebly until her body softens in my hold, her arm falling to her side as her heart slows.

I register nothing else but the girl and the rich taste of her on my tongue, as her heart stops once more.

.

.

.

I open my eyes as Jasper groans about Emmett and Rosalie's mood, a roar slipping from my lips at the mere thoughts. I run out the door before anyone can stop me, faster than I've ever run. Trees and foliage are no match for me as I pass, obliterating everything in my path to pieces.

I reach her house before the girl's father leaves for the morning. Her sweet blood calls to me, I growl at the delay, but I know his death can mean Volturi intervention. I listen to the girl, who has spent the last few minutes cursing her headache, move about in her room.

"You're going to be late, Bells." Charlie scratches his head, wondering what's keeping his daughter. She, apparently, is never late and always a responsible young woman; though, her father shudders at the thought of her being a woman.

"I'll be right down," she calls from her room, cursing when she stubs her toe. "Not again." It's more a whine as she moves.

It takes another moment for me to realize something very unique about the girl other than her blood.

I can't hear her thoughts.

I expand my _hearing_ to the entire area. Most people's inner thoughts sound like their actual voices. Her _tone_ is nowhere to be found. It explains her lack of thoughts before I've killed her the first two times.

Though a part of me needs to come to terms with the truly horrific, bizarre phenomena, the monster refuses to back down. It wants Bella Swan's blood. My mouth floods with venom as I remember what she tastes like. Her lingering scent drives me to the brink of insanity, instantly warming my too-cold body.

The tree branch in my hand starts to crumble, but I keep myself from crashing through her window.

The girl's father whistles as he exits the house, patting the carved pumpkin on his porch. The night before he had enjoyed watching his daughter laugh as she carved the funny face. "I'll be home late, Bells. I'll grab dinner at the diner tonight."

"Okay, be careful," she yells from her room, having yet to finish getting dressed.

"Always am." Charlie heads toward the warmed-up cruiser in the driveway.

I peek into the window; already knowing, the moment I see her, the more I'll want her. It's unavoidable. I am driven by bloodlust and not logic or remorse. The girl is standing in the middle of her room, her slim jeans in one hand, a hoodie in the other.

Her eyes narrow at herself in the mirror, tossing both garments onto the bed. She turns around as she starts to lift the ratty T-shirt from her body.

My body hums with anticipation, venom coating my tongue. Her nipples are a dusky rose and tight in the cool air. Her eyes go wide as she drops her T-shirt on the floor, her gaze on me.

I'm perched on her windowsill, watching her. I do not even remember coming inside. My reflection in both the mirror behind her and in her eyes, show confliction; though, I can't understand why before instinct takes over.

We tumble onto the bed, the springs creaking beneath us. Her tempting fragrance saturates every molecule within the room, including my own. It forces the lesser of my desires to the back of my mind. Yet, I am still aware of the delicate spray of freckles along the tops of her cheeks, a trio of them right over her pulse on her neck.

I breathe in deeply, aware of her racing heart under her naked chest. My eyes dip down, finding a galaxy of stars leading to her pulse. A dot-to-dot map guiding me to a treasure worth more than gold.

Her quiet whimper on her lips does nothing to stop me as I force her head aside with the tip of my nose. "Bella, Bella, Bella."

I am not one to tease or play with my food, but she's tempting in all ways, consuming every one of my senses and deepest desires.

 _Mine, mine, mine_ , the monster rejoices as my teeth sink into her neck. At the first pull of her blood, her hips lift under me, my body awakening in ways it hasn't in my new life. It's easy enough to ignore as her fragrant blood coats my tongue and trickles down the back of my throat.

"Fuck," she whispers, then her heart stops.

.

.

.

I groan, just as Jasper does, for the fourth time, punching a pumpkin and smashing it to smithereens as I pass Alice and Esme. Angry voices follow me in my wake as I pull out onto the road, heading toward the school.

I will change classes, make sure I never bump into her today. If I can make it through the day without killing her, then maybe, we'll both live through another day.

 _Why haven't I gone to my family for help?_

Pride—stupid fucking male pride. I need to solve this _problem_ on my own, even if my bloodlust is far from slaked. I never seem to feel as though I've quenched my thirst, despite repeatedly waking up on the same day with my teeth in Isabella's Swan's neck. That said; it's no wonder I still want more.

I arrive at the school earlier than much of the student body does. The blue Sentra in the employee parking area notifies me Mrs. Cope is already here. In less than a minute, I'm in her office, trying to change out of my Physics class. The excuses fly from my lips, trying not to react to her less than decent thoughts on a student she thinks is half her age.

I'm too busy charming Shelly with a smile that usually gets me what I want, so I'm not paying attention when the door opens behind me. That is until _she_ passes the blasted heating vent again!

I turn toward her, the bane of my existence. The devil with angelic blood that needs to calm the fire in my throat. I clasp the back of Shelly's head with my hand, crushing it against her hardwood desk, her nasal cavity caving in with a gush of blood. She's dead before this stupid girl has a chance to blink.

Suddenly, her eyes narrow and her hand starts to rise from her side, I push it back down and sink my teeth into her neck before she can scream, but she does whisper out, "Fuck... "

.

.

.

I roar awake at the foot of the stairs, dropping to my knees instantly, catching the attention of every member of my family. They flutter around me. Question after question both verbally and in their minds, bombard me from every direction.

I grab my head, the pain so acute. "Stop!"

They still, and though my eyes are closed, I see the concern on their faces through each other's minds.

"I'll explain, but do not interrupt me." The monster within me claws and growls inside my head, demanding release. Can I hold him back? The explanation falls from between my stone lips in small bursts, my hands shaking from the control slipping through my fingers. I tell them how I killed the girl each time, every detail except for the time she was in nothing more than a pair of shorts. Too ashamed to explain that while I wanted to kill her in the moment, another desire rose to the occasion.

A snort escapes me as I realize the pun I've made in my own head. It's soon followed by a laugh, a chuckle, until I'm sobbing for their help. My brothers reach for me, lifting me to my feet. Esme wraps her arms around me, while my father cradles my face in his hands.

I can't bear to look at him; the disappointment at my failures will reflect in his eyes. I've had more than one chance to come to him, and I've allowed the monster to control me.

"Look at me, Edward."

I gather the strength I've lacked for _days_ and see none of the disappointment I expect, just concern. His brow furrows, and I catch his astonished thoughts.

"My eyes have flecks of red." Confusion makes a pain in my chest explode. "Green?" I shrug off Jasper and Emmett's hold and head to a nearby mirror. "If I haven't drunk from her in this _rotation_ then why do my eyes reflect that I have?"

"And why are some flecks green?" Emmett scratches his head. His thoughts, like all the others, are as chaotic as my own.

Except for Alice.

I turn to her, noticing the tightness around her closed eyes. "What is it?"

"That's why my head is hurting. It's the reason I keep rubbing my temples in these loops. I can't see past this day. The visions I did have, are of you going through these _loops_."

"How many are we talking about here?" Emmett asks, when no one has said anything in several seconds. "A few dozen or so before Eddie gets it under control and doesn't kill her?" He shrugs. "I don't know about anyone else, but I'd be having fun with this. When else are you going to be able to do whatever you want without any consequences?"

I try to control my anger as it punches through my bloodlust. "I keep killing her over and over again. How is that a good thing?"

"We're here, aren't we? I'm guessing, already this loop…rotation, or whatever, is changing _you_. You know she's out there, but you're here trying to fight the urge to find her. I mean, yeah it sucks, and you're a gloomy little shit as it is, and this is probably going to make you unbearable, but you're fighting it."

"I can't believe I'm going to say this, but he's right, Edward." Jasper clasps my shoulder. "All we have to do is keep you here, and as long as you don't kill her, maybe it will stop this phenomenon."

The phone rings in the foyer, and Carlisle goes to answer it. Other than the hospital, there're very few who know our phone number. His eyes widen as the dispatcher explains the chief's daughter has been in a car accident. She'll be en route to the hospital within minutes, and will likely require surgery. The dispatcher lists the extent of her injuries and vitals, and says the chief is begging him to meet the ambulance there.

" _She's lost a lot of blood, Sir. She's dying, Dr. Cullen."_

Every head snaps in my direction. The phone falls from Carlisle's hand as I push Rosalie and Emmett into a wall. Alice and Jasper send splinters of wood everywhere, their bodies smashing the staircase as I send them through with a couple solid punches. Carlisle pushes Esme aside, his hands landing on my shoulders, calling out, "Edward!"

The monster smirks as I twist my body, my back against his, my hands around his head. "Maybe tomorrow."

I land on my knee, breaking his back and making Esme scream. He'll live.

I run out the door and past my car, knowing I'm faster. She's going to die anyway, and I'm going to hell. I may as well do it thoroughly.

Earn my place in the seventh circle.

.

.

.

I reach the crash site within minutes of the call. Two EMTs are working hard to save the girl as her gurgles echo out. She's punctured a lung. _There's no saving her_ , I reason. Instinct has me killing four firefighters first; they are the lucky ones, dying quick. The others don't fare so well. I grab a service weapon from one of our illustrious officers as I break his neck, shoot two bystanders in the chest, and the girl's shocked father; his blood splattering over her and all the casualties. "I'm sorry," I whisper as I meet _her_ eyes.

The EMTs look up and stop what they're doing. The woman is young, Latina, and she reaches for a tiny cross around her neck. She mutters something in Spanish and closes her eyes, already aware of what I am. I hit the side of her head, my aim precise enough to kill her in one blow. The other EMT, a man in his thirties, with a pregnant wife at home, is dead with one swift kick.

The girl's dark eyes are nearly hidden under her droopy lids. A bubble of blood spurts out of the corner of her mouth, her teeth and lips are covered in it. "Why?" she asks, whimpering in pain.

I wipe away her father's blood from her cheek, surprising myself with the gentle sweeps of my thumb. "It's what I am. It's in my nature."

Her eyes struggle to remain open as I lift her into my arms, each one dilated and unfocused. The pain she must be in has to be excruciating. "My name is Isabella Marie Swan, you killed my father…prepare to…" She giggles and passes out.

I run with her in my arms, gorging on a few mouthfuls of her blood.

Then, her heart stops and it starts all over.

.

.

.

Had I been human, I probably would've lost count by now.

I've killed Bella Swan fourteen times. Every time the monster wins no matter what I do to prevent it. The guilt eats away at me at each turn, yet I also make adjustments on the _how_ , so I can enjoy her essence longer.

There are two of me: the man who wants to prevent killing the girl and the monster who wants to savor every drop.

I stop midway down the stairs and run up to my room to change my clothes from what I've worn for fourteen loops. My sudden disappearance makes Esme and Alice stop talking about Bella downstairs.

It's cruel and torturous to catch this conversation continually, mocking me about the good person I'm killing.

As if I don't know this already.

It's in her soft, caring voice whenever she talks about her parents or as she speaks with her father in the morning before he leaves for work. She stays away from gossip, but if something is important to whomever she's having a discussion with, she listens.

Three times, I've tried to leave town first thing upon _awakening_ or shortly after, only to somehow always cross paths with Bella Swan. It seems to be inevitable for this day to never end. My choices are what keep me here in this unending horror.

To live my greatest regret over and again is punishment for my past sins.

This time I choose to go about the day as the first time and face her in the classroom and not breathe. I've failed thirteen times to get past noon, so I'm determined this will be the time. If I can hold back in the class, then maybe I can manage to walk away without killing the girl.

Alice seems too preoccupied with my future, finding none but a void where it should be. She questions me silently as she and Esme arrange pumpkins in various sizes. None of the small ones in sight.

Which I find is strange.

I shake my head, refusing to change anything until I face Bella Swan as Edward Cullen. The rest of the morning goes off the same way as the first time, only the tension between my siblings and me is more palpable. They know I'm not telling them something, but they've tried many times to help me, and in the end, they're hurt and _she's_ still dead.

Something strange is going on, though: Bella Swan misses her first period class. I spread my mental range outward, to its limits, to see if the accident may still have happened. Although, it hardly makes sense since we come across her when I barely miss her on the road during this loop…as I've done since the first time.

Bella isn't in Physics when I arrive as the bell rings.

It's not until third period I catch a glimpse of her in Angela Weber's thoughts. She appears disheveled and angry, as her father escorts her to class. Since Angela doesn't have the same hearing ability as my own, I can't hear what he tells Mrs. Goff.

I smile at Alice as we meet up for lunch, finding it a little difficult to believe she has nothing to say. Her mind is full of visions of Jasper and how the others are waiting outside with him. I already know this, but say nothing.

What can I say? _"I'm sorry I'm so quiet, Alice. I'm trying not to kill the new girl."_

That will go over well.

Internally, I roll my eyes, not at all surprised to find the beast within me rattling his cage. He knows the only thing that will quench his thirst is near. Close enough to smell. I look through the thoughts of my classmates to find her staring at the cafeteria doors, pouting and shaking her head.

" _Uh, why does she have to be so weird?"_ Jessica asks herself. It's been clear from the beginning she hates the attention Bella Swan is receiving, especially from Newton. She nudges Bella with her elbow, cocking an eyebrow as the girl turns away and walks out of the building.

It takes considerable control for me not to go after her. Follow her, introduce myself, and offer to drive her to the diner for some lunch. We won't end up there, though; the monster will ensure this. It's another way to kill the girl, but the seats in my new car will remain pristine. I'll never waste a drop of that sweet, sweet blood.

My mouth waters with venom, my throat aching as I swallow. Thanks to my ability, I follow her outside, as she walks to the seldom-used tables and benches. She drops her books on the table and nearly collapses as she sits. Her hands cover her face, her shoulders shaking.

" _Is she crying?"_ Brittany Williams, a freshman, watches Bella as she gets something from her sister's car. She debates for several seconds about talking to her.

As if I have the ability, I try to will Brittany to check on Bella. Though I'm not sure why. To give me more reasons to feel the monumental guilt that threatens to crack open my chest?

Cautiously, Brittany approaches Bella, who starts to mutter to herself. It causes Brittany's steps to falter, and again, I try to push her to continue. Between Brittany's thoughts and my hearing ability, I can hear Bella's words that make little sense.

"Can't do it at home or in my truck. Must do it here." Bella rummages through her bag and hisses, pulling out her finger already coated with blood. Her eyes roll and starts to weave where she sits.

Brittany quickens her steps and manages to capture Bella from falling back. _"Are you okay, Isabella?"_

"Um, yes." Bella looks up at Brittany and grimaces. "I don't like the smell of blood."

Brittany hands Bella a small pack of tissues from her pocket. "You can smell blood?"

"Thank you." Bella blushes as she blindly wipes away…

" _Edward!"_ I hear the internal shouts of my siblings, coming from every direction as Alice stops me with her hand on my arm. "Oh fuck, Jasper."

I shift through everyone thoughts and find Rosalie and Emmett trying to restrain a thrashing Jasper along the tree line. His face contorts to malice as rage courses through him; his lone thought is to get to Bella.

I'm running out of the cafeteria, a dozen or more gasps and murmurs follow in my wake. The instant I see no one in the hall, I move faster than the human eye can see and make my way outside.

Bella's eyes are wide; her mouth opens in horror as Jasper knocks Brittany away and lunges for her. I run faster than ever and barrel into Jasper, tumbling the ground and into the soft grass. I shake him; hit his head on the ground until his eyes focus on me. "Stop breathing, Jasper."

He nods. We rise to our feet to face the girls, Brittany helping Bella to stand. "Freaks!" she hisses at us, tugging Bella's hand.

Bella's eyes narrow as Rosalie, Alice, and Emmett join us, but after a second, she shakes her head. She tries to say something, but Brittany is insistent. Like all the rest of the students and staff, instinctively they know something is different about us.

"I think you need to explain what just happened." Alice stands beside me, still unable to see my future.

One thing I realize though: I've somehow managed to allow Bella Swan to walk away…alive.

.

.

.

The last bell rings, and I walk toward my car, Alice beside me soon after. The others are waiting for us, having learned I'm attracted to Bella's blood. Though, that's all I tell them.

We're all at a loss on what to do about what's happened. How do we explain why Jasper knocked down Brittany and attacked Bella? Or how I come out of nowhere and stop him? There's no explanation for our actions, and already the family is considering packing up our home and leaving Forks for another fifty to eighty years.

"So, have the new girl and Brittany ratted you two out?" Emmett asks, looking from me to Jasper.

I shake my head, still searching Brittany's thoughts. "No, Bella convinced her we were messing around with her." My brow furrows. "And that she was just an unfortunate bystander of our pranks."

Emmett whistles. "Okay, so we should be fine to stay, right?"

"It's bad enough we've been seen." Rosalie gestures toward a few gawkers. "Remember, Jasper, Emmett, and I, are supposed to be away for college."

"You can say you took an extra week off to come home." I shrug. It's not farfetched. The students, who likely remember who they are, know they're intelligent.

I'm treading new territory, though. In all the other loops, I rarely make it past this point of the day.

I need to increase the odds. "I think I'm going to go for a drive." The others all nod, but ask to continue to monitor the situation with Bella and Brittany.

 _If they only knew._

"Unless you think it's too much?" Alice's concern is in her gentle voice. "I can keep an eye on her."

I nod and offer to drive them home before heading out for a drive. Emmett and Jasper are impressed I manage to walk away from such temptation, and guilt, once again, slashes through me. Though Jasper is newer to our way of life, still struggling with our diet, all human blood smells too tempting to him. Emmett, on the other hand, has taken the lives of two women with a similar call that basically turned off his humanity and attacked them. He doesn't understand why I just don't live a little and slake my bloodlust.

I snort at his thoughts, but glare at him. "You're not helping."

" _Sorry."_

Rosalie is quick to mention something else. "There's still more to all of this. You didn't get your first whiff of the girl until Jasper tried to kill her."

Jasper's guilt matches my own, but only briefly. He hasn't killed her fourteen times.

"Oh, I wasn't aware of that." The sarcasm thick in my tone.

She rolls her eyes, huffing. "You were acting strange since this morning."

Everyone's thoughts go hundreds of miles a minute and I have to stop my car. "Get out," I say, pulling away moments later and heading to Port Angeles.

The drive allows me to reflect on the day, on the changes. Something about this bothers me. I'm aware every decision has ripple effects. _What caused Bella to be late during this loop?_ I pass a flatbed truck by the side of the road selling pumpkins, a familiar truck beside it.

She's smiling at the little old man, holding out money for him.

My hands clench around the steering wheel, my foot pressing the gas harder.

 _I will not stop._

 _I will not stop._

 _I will not stop._

Within twenty minutes, I'm safely away from the beguiling and tempting Bella Swan. The city lights sparkle brightly in the darkening sky, the sun setting as I pull into a parking space in the harbor. The salty, briny air allows some reprieve.

I tell myself it's been a successful day.

I didn't kill her once I knew she was near.

I didn't kill her when she cut her finger.

I didn't kill her as she stared at me with those enchanting brown eyes of hers.

I didn't kill her.

If I can stay away from town for the rest of the night, maybe this nightmare will finally be over. I don't celebrate yet since the day is still young. Instead, I walk along the harbor, allowing myself to relax. I can't close my eyes; all I see is her. Not only from this loop, but all the ones prior to it.

The few times our eyes have met when I'm about to kill her are the worst, yet the acceptance I've seen once threatens to bring me to my knees. Victims rarely see it coming, except for those vampires who like to play with their food. In my past, I've reveled in my victims' terror, having given them a taste of what their vileness has inflicted on the innocent.

I am a monster, for Bella Swan is an innocent, her life taken too soon. During one loop, Alice tries to tell me her father will be devastated if he loses her, and will slip into a depression he'll never recover from. The few times I have encountered him during my torment, I know this to be true.

I find a bench, breathing in the thick, cold air coming from the ocean breeze. A couple walks by, hand in hand. For a flicker, a tiny moment, I imagine myself taking Bella's hand for another reason. Not to lure her away from class or her home for vile reasons, but to introduce myself. I try to imagine her smile, but fall short. I've never seen her smile.

 _You haven't seen her smile because you've killed her before she's had a reason to._

I remember her giggles when she's half-unconscious from the car accident, where she improvises a quote from _The Princess Bride_ , and I can't help but grin at the thought of the delightful sound. It falls before it fully forms, pain lancing through me. If I fail tonight and keep killing her for the rest of my existence, no one will ever hear her laugh again.

Another couple passes behind me, much older, arguing about a girl they've seen earlier. "Mary, I'm sure she'll be fine."

"I'm not so sure, Elliot. She looked about ready to give up."

I still when I catch a hint of whom they speak of—Bella. She's here, in Port Angeles. I desperately cling to the bench and swear I can hear some false guardian angel cackle. The universe is a cruel bitch.

Mary's husband goes over the conversation with Bella. He's just as worried as his wife.

 _Bella paces in front of the restaurant, one with her name. "What am I doing here? Public, right. It needs to be public."_

" _Dear, are you all right?" Mary asks, as she passes with her husband. The white wisps of hair flying wildly around her face, blocking her vision._

I take in every detail, which isn't much. Bella's eyes are red and puffy, a piece of paper clutched tightly in her hand. Something in the other, metal and small. She whips around to face the couple, quick to put the items in her pocket.

Bella Swan doesn't lie very well; in fact, she's quite awful at it. She insists she's fine in Elliot's memory, simply waiting for a friend. They say goodbye to her after some more reassurance, but Elliot turns back as Bella walks away from the main street, the metal thing in her hand between her fingers.

I stand immediately, recognizing what she has: a razor blade.

Is she not happy to be back with her father?

Her words Elliot and Mary have heard make no sense to me. She wants to kill herself, but in public?

It's so her father can have a body to find.

Out in the wilderness, behind her house, an animal can come across her body and her father will have nothing.

Does this mean there's no saving her? If I don't kill her, she'll kill herself. I search the minds in the area, walking toward the restaurant I've seen in Elliott's memory. I pick up her voice, but it's so soft, I have no way of knowing where it's coming from.

I feel a sudden rush of anger. I've done everything I can today to ensure she lives, and yet, she does something like this?

 _Why waste it?_ The monster within me roars.

I find her through some focused thoughts, huddling against a wall, tears falling from her eyes. The mind I'm in is repulsive, so much like the victims of my past. The countless men I've killed for crimes: rape, molestation, murder. There is one like that right here.

My steps quicken when I realize he's not alone. Another man is with him, equally disgusting. Each of them imagining what they'll do to her once it's their turn. They reach her, and she looks up from her tear-stained note, her breath catching, eyes widening. That fear, the first man, Lonnie, loves it.

I look around and nothing in their thoughts tell me where they are. There are over five dozen alleys in the small city alone. The monster inside me rages, causing my breath to hiss from between my clenched lips.

 _Mine._

 _Mine._

 _Mine._

The men circle around her, teasing her as she stands with her feet shoulder-width apart. The note falls to the ground, her keys, minuscule weapons weaved between her fingers. Her other hand holds the razor blade.

"I'm not meant to die this way today, assholes!" She swipes her makeshift weapons, slicing the first man on the cheek as he lunges for her. "I have nothing left to lose."

She's determined to stay alive, and though the monster is currently in charge, a part me is grateful she wants to live. If I fail to protect her from these men and myself, when I find her, at least I know it's worth trying to fight my urges.

My head hangs in shame for a second due to my thoughts, but then the hunt continues. Finally, one of the men, the one who's never done anything like this, looks toward the alley's opening. I see a street corner sign, and quickly, I walk into a neighboring alley to allow the darkness within to swallow me.

Sensing no one looking out of a nearby window, I scale the building with my bare fingertips. I run and jump across several rooftops until I reach them. I smell Lonnie's blood tinging the air with his poisonous essence.

I fall down between the two buildings, landing directly behind both men. Bella's on the ground, blood on her fingers. Immediately, I stop breathing, and grab Lonnie's friend Mark and snap his neck with ease. Before his body hits the ground, I wrap an arm around Lonnie's neck and shoulders, surprising him.

I look Bella over; a small wound along her hairline bleeds profusely, bruising already forming around it. Her hands have suffered a similar fate, scraped and bloodied.

Lonnie tries ineffectually to pull my arm away, gasping for air.

Bella meets my eyes, confusion within them. "What are you?" she asks, her gaze moving over the length of my body. "Why?"

In answering her, I know I will fail in this loop, so I don't bother lying to her. "I'm a vampire. It's in my nature. I've tried to resist."

She gasps, her eyes closing as more tears fall down her cheeks. Gone is the lovely blush I've seen, mostly in other's thoughts. I've never had the pleasure of being the cause of it. As she shifts onto her knees, she raises a hand to her forehead.

"This probably isn't helping."

"No, it's not." I turn away. "Close your eyes, Bella."

"Why?" She snorts, as I look over my shoulder at her. "Does it make it easier to kill me?"

 _Yes._

The monster inside me refuses to taint his palate with the scum's blood, so as Lonnie cries for me to spare him in his thoughts, I rip his heart out from behind, allow him to see it as I crush it between my bloodied fingers.

Lonnie's dark eyes stare at the darkening sky, blank and dead.

I turn back to Bella, wiping my hand on the back of my pants. "Why aren't you screaming?"

She shrugs. "You'd only kill whoever comes to help. I don't need more on my conscience."

"You are a strange girl." I lean closer, noticing how she doesn't flinch as I raise my hand to brush her skin. The blood there is still warm beneath my fingertip. I bring it to my lips and suck on the tip.

She watches with me with rapid fascination, but seems to snap out of it. "Damn you, Edward Cullen." She slashes the razor across my chest and watches it as it falls between us, having snapped in two. "I didn't think that would work."

I cock my head to one side. "Maybe you should run." One last attempt at some sort of redemption. To have saved her from a horrible fate, to only kill her is beyond cruel. I know this, but the beast will win.

"You'll just run after me." She tosses her hair behind her shoulder, sticking up her little chin in the air. "Anyone ever tell you not to play with your food?"

 _No, but I have told Emmett this often._ I shake my head, wondering for the hundredth time in the last minute why she's still alive.

"What are you waiting for?" She wipes angrily at her tears, her body visibly shaking. "I'd rather forget about what they did, what they tried to do."

Her words register to the man, not the monster. I see her shirt torn down the front, scratches and bruises on her neck and chest. I walk away from her, roaring and kicking the repulsive men, wishing they were alive so I can tear them apart.

"Let me see if I understand: you don't condone what they've done and what they were about to do, but having me for dinner is okay?"

I turn to look at her just standing there, and I direct my anger toward her once again. "Why are you _not_ running?"

"I fall a lot." She looks away and picks up the note she had in her hand. "Besides, my number is up." She crumples the note and tosses it at me. As I catch it, she starts to laugh and sob at the same time.

 _I chose to die my way today. I love you, Mom, Dad. I'm sorry._

A sound falls from my lips, loud enough for her finally to show true fear. Her eyes close as I tug her soft body against me. I whisper, "I wish this would end differently."

Her forehead settles on my shoulder. "Me too, asshole."

The scent of her drying blood is too much for me to contain the monster, my teeth sinking into her skin right over her pulse point. I groan, holding her impossibly closer, relishing her warmth, as much as her blood, growing addicted to how good her body feels so close to my own.

"I never had my f-f-first k-kiss." Her words fade to nothingness, and I'm plunged into darkness.

.

.

.

I reach the bottom of the stairs when the phone rings suddenly. The clock on the wall shows things should remain in motion as it has in previous loops. Nothing I've done should've changed anything. Esme answers to a frantic Charles Swan, asking for Carlisle.

Alice gasps along with Esme as Bella's father explains he found her in the bathroom, her wrists cut, and begs Carlisle to meet him at the hospital. My world spins, darkness on the fringes of my vision.

.

.

.

I gasp as I awake on the same day, my hands on my knees as I come to realize what's happened in the last loop. Bella Swan has killed herself, for whatever reason, but it doesn't change a thing. I'm wearing the same clothes I wore in the first loop. Esme is still whistling to the same fifties song as she works on a fall arrangement. Alice chats with my mother about the new girl.

I'm in hell, or is purgatory the right word?

Regardless, there's no way out.

.

.

.

Somehow, I make it through my first period class, choosing to let things progress as they're meant to. I'm destined to relive this nightmare. There's is no escaping the torment. I walk to my Physics class after reassuring Alice I'm fine.

She knows I'm not.

I hear Bella walking outside toward the classroom. She nervously approaches the door and asks Mr. Banner if she has the right class.

Funny, I just realize in this moment, this is only the second time we've made it here. In all the other loops, I fail much sooner, having already tasted her. I've known where to look for her, to take from her much earlier.

I hold my breath as she passes the heating vent, watching her brow furrow. She heads to her seat beside me after Mr. Banner points her in the right direction. I move my books from her side of the table, trying my best not to swallow the venom that coats my tongue.

I may not be able to smell her, but my mind and body know what she tastes like, what her body feels like in my arms as I drain it. I want to feel and taste all those things again. My hand clenches over my knee, hard enough to cause fissures in my granite-like skin. The pain is manageable, something to focus on rather than the girl.

She moves slowly as she approaches our table, as if she's afraid of something. _"I fall down a lot."_ She proves the memory of one of the recent loops by stumbling over the slightest dip in the flooring. A second later, she manages to fall onto her chair. She starts to remove something from her bag, but notices Mr. Banner turn on the television and start up the VCR.

Mr. Banner explains what we'll be watching for the next two days, and how we should pay attention because there'll be a test on it. The class groans in unison, but Bella looks somewhat stunned. Her gaze flicks to me under the protection of her hair, her teeth scraping over her full bottom lip. They are soft, growing a brighter red under the assault.

I'm under her spell, unable to look away. Trapped in her gaze, I notice for the first time the gold flecks of color among the velvet brown.

Abruptly, we're thrown into darkness, and I don't miss her small gasp. I watch unabashedly, still holding my breath, curious to her strange reaction. Her breathing picks up, her hands clench into small fists, only to shake her fingers out after a moment.

My body itches to reach for her. However, I'm starting to realize it's for a different reason. Or more than one, since the monster is insisting I listen to him. I want to know what her skin feels like under the cloak of darkness. Her eyes on the bright screen, highlighting her face in the artificial glow. I find myself longing to know what she looks like under sunlight on a warm day.

" _I never had my f-f-first k-kiss."_

Her words from that dreadful loop hit me hard. I want to give it to her, but I'm an idiot for even contemplating how I can make it happen. I know I'm doomed to fail. The second I get too close, the monster will take over.

The bloodlust will win as it has every single time.

I want to feel her lips against my own. Emmett's words choose to haunt me. _"I don't know about anyone else, but I'd be having fun with this. When else are you going to be able to do whatever you want without any consequences?"_

I'm even more of a monster to want this with her. Knowing I'll likely pull away from the kiss and kill her. Yet, I crave it, and for once, the desire is stronger than my bloodlust. I pull out a piece of paper from my notebook, jot down a note, and slip it across the table toward her.

Her eyes lift from the paper to meet mine, her brow tight. The look she's giving me seems incredulous.

 _Hello, I'm Edward Cullen. I didn't get to introduce myself before the movie started._

She shrugs, pulling out a pen and scribbling something on the paper.

 _I'm sure you know my name._ She glances up, scans our classmates, then rolls her eyes.

I chuckle and hear her huff in return. _But it wouldn't be polite to assume I know your name._

She makes a choking sound, but coughs to cover it up once she reads my note. _YOU want to discuss what's polite to me? If you only knew, Edward. If you only knew._

Confusion causes me to stare at her. She meets my eyes in the darkness, though I'm sure she can't see me. I see perfectly clear in the dark, but then I guess I don't. Her written words make no sense to me.

She rolls her eyes again and looks at the ceiling, counting under her breath. Her hand reaches for the paper, only to touch mine. The tiny space in time is long enough for me to feel a jolt of all-encompassing warmth to the touch. She snaps her fingers back, looking at me with alarm and some fear.

Unsure what to do at this point, too afraid anything can set off the monster, I only watch her. She reaches for our note and writes something else, but scribbles it out and tries again. She's careful with her words, taking longer than I expect to send it to me.

My breath hitches. Under the dark, marked out words are _I'm Bella Swan._ But those are not the words that cause alarm; it's the ones she crossed out. My vision allows me to see them despite the numerous marks of black ink.

 _I know what you are._

I carefully analyze the last few minutes and find nothing to give myself away. She's toying with me, her knee bouncing due to her nervousness.

I struggle with what to say, a part of me wants to continue with this thread she's pulled, but the other worries that it will poke the beast.

 _I heard about your mother and stepfather. I sincerely hope they're doing well._

She carefully slips her palm over the sheet of paper, her lips twisting for a second. She looks at me, pouting, then whispers, "I wish I could see you." I see the warmth and a light pink flush along her cheeks, which she ignores. Her hand picks up her pen, writes something else, and sends the note toward me.

 _They are, thank you. Hopefully, they won't have to go to a funeral later this week._

I have nothing to say to that. For several minutes, neither of us reaches for the note, even though I know it's a good distraction. It's toward the end of the class she grabs the note, writes something, but clutches it tightly and keeps it to herself.

The lights overhead come on, causing most of the students to whine at the sudden intrusion. Mr. Banner asks three questions about the movie, and tells us it's best to write them down now, as they'll be on the test later.

Bella scrambles to grab her things, stuffing a notebook and her pen in her bag. She faces me as the bell rings. I hope she doesn't ask me anything, since I've run out of breath to talk. To answer her, I need to breathe. If I do that, I'll kill her. She hands me the note, her bottom lip trembling as she runs out of the classroom.

Mike and Eric both grumble, each hoping to have a chance to talk to Bella Swan about the upcoming homecoming dance.

I look down at the note and find myself more confused than ever.

 _Thank you._

.

.

.

I watch Bella as I wait for Alice by my car after school ends. Her head is up, her hoodie falling off as she allows the mist to coat her face. She smiles at the sky and laughs, oblivious that many students stop to watch her. Her eyes close as she breathes in deeply, opening to find quite a few people observing her. Blood rushes under her skin; from the tips of her ears to the chest, she goes crimson.

The monster craves, but my body yearns for something else.

The hood of my car protests under my fingers, but the sound is enough to break through the warring lusts.

Bella enters her truck, her eyes meeting mine, her next words are soft and meant for herself. "I'll see you tomorrow, Edward Cullen."

The monster within me responds, _"No, you won't."_

.

.

.

I await the darkness and for her father to fall asleep. Hours have passed since I've seen her, and while she lives her last hours, I go through the motions with my family and leave the house with none of them worried about what I'm about to do.

I may fail at what I have in mind, but as Emmett says, once through all this, I can _learn_ not to kill her. I'm not foolish enough to believe mind over matter will merely take a few more loops. It may take several hundred. My dead heart clenches at the thought of it.

The monster rejoices.

I scale the tree with ease; the window groans as I make my way inside.

Bella sits on her tiny bed, turning on the lamp on her nightstand. "I thought you might show up." She sighs and pats the side of the bed. "I'm not the only masochist, I see. Why are you here, Edward Cullen?"

I look toward my salvation, the open window behind me.

"Edward?"

I turn to her, unable to resist the invitation in her eyes and smile. Soon, I'm sitting like her, cross-legged on the bed that seems to shrink with both of us on it.

"You're not very good at this." She giggles, blushing.

"I have no idea what you are saying or your meaning."

This causes her to grin. "Maybe that's a good thing, but I figured out something today."

"What's that?" I humor her, the monster also sitting up to listen to this strange, extraordinary girl.

"If this perpetual existence is shaped by some of my choices, then I should live each today to the fullest."

I shake my head, looking at her as if she's grown another head. "I still don't understand."

She shrugs. "I know." Her hand lifts from her lap, my eyes drawn to her body for the first time since entering the room.

She's dressed in thick tights and a dark blue camisole that makes her skin almost glow; the contrast is stunning. Her hair is damp from her shower, and though I've stopped breathing, I know from experience she smells even more incredible.

I beat back the monster from rising to the surface. "I want to try one thing," I whisper, my eyes on the tempting curve of her bottom lip.

She nods and leans toward me; her warmth invades my space and instantly causes my body to react to her nearness. I pull her onto my lap before I can tell myself to stop. My nose brushes her cheek, one hand slides up her back and into her hair before she can blink.

I watch her reactions, the tightening of her nipples beneath the thin fabric of her top, the way her breath catches at the touch, and her lips parting under my gaze. "Is this okay?"

She nods, her hands coming to rest on my shoulders.

I welcome the touch and bask in it as her fingers curl in the hair near the nape of my neck.

"Stay real still."

Her body instantly complies.

"I'm sorry."

There's a gentle lift at the corners of her mouth. "I know."

For once, the monster quiets the moment my lips fall on hers. The softness of her mouth forces a rumble of a groan to escape, making her give me a similar sound in return. It's this sound that fuels my hands to move to her cheeks, cupping and brushing her beautiful face. My fingers slip through her hair, loving the little hum that seems to emanate between us. She shifts until she's on her knees, grasping my face much in the same way I've done, only she's above me. For a minute, she presses her lips harder, sucking my top lip between her own.

I growl low in my chest, and my hands find purchase on her hips, our bodies tumbling onto the bed until she's beneath me. We pull apart, staring into each other's eyes, nearly panting. We both reach for the other at the same time, her fingers tugging at my hair. This kiss is firmer, yet just as consuming, as I carefully allow my body to meet hers. My eyes roll back, feeling everything and not enough.

It takes considerable strength not to rip away her clothes and take what another newly awakened monster wants. Her body.

Two lusts battle and each as strong as the other. The human, however, tells me this is not the way. To take from her this gift, to taint it with her death soon after is wrong. I'm not stupid. I know I'll kill her.

 _This time,_ I whisper to myself. _I will learn_ , as I go in for another kiss. Learn to walk away from her so Bella can live another day.

My eyes snap open as her tongue pushes through my lips, cutting it along my teeth before I can stop her. She hisses, laughing against my mouth.

I've known all along that not being able to read her thoughts would come back to haunt me.

My monster roars, pushing aside the vital parts that make me human. I pull back to look at her. Her lips and teeth are stained red with her luscious blood.

She brushes away some of the blood off her lips. "I used to hate the smell of it, not so much anymore." She laughs and slips the fingertip into my mouth. "At least I got my first kiss before I die."

I nip at the finger, groaning at her taste against my tongue. A beautiful shiver moves through her as I suck on it briefly, taking her hand in mine. My lips skim up her arm, luxuriating in the potent scent along her wrist and elbow. Her heart skips a beat as my body encounters hers; her knees fall open to accommodate me, my tongue lapping at her blood on her lip. All this happens in milliseconds, yet it feels like an eternity.

She gasps as my mouth meets hers once more, each of us moaning as I taste the blood on her tongue. I revel in her taste and warmth for a moment longer, then skim my lips along her jawline and whisper apologies.

 _I'm sorry I'm not strong enough._

 _I'm sorry for killing you again._

 _I'm sorry for doing this to you._

 _I'm sorry for hurting you._

She cries softly as my teeth penetrate her skin, her hips undulating against mine. I moan as her warm blood fills my mouth, my cock thickening between her thighs. Her heart starts to slow and she whispers, "I'll see you today again."

My eyes snap open, millions of thoughts and memories make me realize one thing as her heart beats become sluggish and struggles in her rapidly cooling body.

She remembers, too.


End file.
